Talk About It: Understanding Emotional Labor

Folks are talking a lot these days. There is so much to talk about! During this time of #blacklivesmatter, COVID-19, election-year political campaigns, etc.… there is much to discuss. For this reason, I wanted to offer a few words about having conversations that honor your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health.

Talking and Listening is Emotional Labor

Emotional labor means many things to many people. The phrase "emotional labor" was created by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in her 1983 book The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. The term refers to any situation in which a person assumes the need to "induce or suppress feeling to sustain the outward countenance that produces the proper state of mind in others." In other words, people perform emotional labor when adjusting themselves to placate how others feel. People often do the most emotional labor at work, but it can also happen with family and friends. Research shows that women do the majority of the emotional labor in our society.  

Emotionally healthy people know that whenever someone else is talking or listening to you, they are working or occupied. Emotional labor requires us to engage our entire being. We listen with our bodies, hearts, and minds. We speak with the same. This means that talking and listening involve conscious effort and are active, not passive, states of being. Therefore, conversations take energy! It takes energy to speak about it, and it takes energy to listen to it.

Sometimes, conversations are energizing, and sometimes, this work is exhausting. Great conversations can make us feel renewed and uplifted. Heavy conversations can be draining; this is why, after an intense discussion, many people "need a minute" or lie down. They've done a lot of hard work.  

In professional spaces, many of us do emotional labor all day long. Arlie Hochschild acknowledges this in her book. She wrote, "People do emotional labor in any situation where the way a person manages his or her emotions is regulated by a work-related entity in order to shape the state of mind of another individual, such as a customer." In other words, having to go to work the day after George Floyd was murdered was emotional labor. Attending a team meeting at the office because folks want to discuss race is emotional labor. Listening to your White co-workers talk about their guilt or lack of understanding is emotional labor. Discussing your thoughts and feelings is emotional labor. Making space for your Black co-workers to speak about their pain and anger is emotional labor. Realizing that many are silent is laborious, too. Listening to your colleagues make politically-natured comments at work but not responding because you don't want to be too political in the workplace is emotional labor. Going home and trying to explain all of this to your kids in an age-appropriate manner can be intense emotional labor.

Understandably, a lot of folks are tired.

How to B. Well During Conversations

Here is the good news! You can maintain mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional health during this time of frequent serious discussions. First, you have a right and responsibility to care for yourself unapologetically. That means you don't have to if you cannot engage in any of these conversations. Period.

Healthy friends, family members, and co-workers who understand emotional labor will often check in before they ask you to engage in emotional labor. They will say, "Hey, can you listen for a moment?" or "Is now a good time to talk about it?" or "Will you let me know when is a good time to talk?" These questions show an understanding that one has to be in one's right mind to have an effective conversation. When I am feeling heavy, or I need emotional support, I text my girlfriends: "Hey honey, I need a listening ear. Can you listen?" Sometimes, my phone rings immediately, but other times, I get a text back, "I had a long day. Girl, I just can't." These kinds of conversations are signs of an emotionally healthy friendship. I take care of myself, and she takes care of herself. These are emotionally honest relationships. When you force yourself to have conversations when you do not have the emotional space to engage, you are engaging in self-harm, self-depreciation, and self-destruction. You are responsible for protecting yourself from conversations you are unwilling or unable to have.

Suppose you are willing to engage in a conversation that you know might be difficult or uncomfortable. In that case, setting boundaries at the outset is always a good idea. You can decide on how long you are willing to discuss something, or you can create ground rules for the conversation. It is also helpful to control your environment when having difficult discussions. Choose a space with plenty of free-flowing air or a room with windows. Also, having an object you like close by is a tremendous self-soothing tool. Wrap yourself in your favorite sweater, bring a cup of tea, hold a stress ball, turn on the aromatherapy, or light a candle.

Letting the other person know how you feel is essential throughout the conversation. Statements like, "I feel supported right now," "I felt judged when you said…." or "I'm really confused" are great ways of letting the other person know what is going on with you internally throughout the conversation. Suppose the other party wants you to feel safe, understood, or heard. In that case, they will likely adjust the direction of the conversation so that it can continue. You can stop any discussion that no longer serves your highest good. You can end any conversation at any time for any reason. If it needs to stop, stop it. But if you can keep it going, do. Healthy communication builds strong relationships. Dialogue can lead to understanding. Powerful conversations can heal. Be open to the healing. If you need support in your healing process, B. Well is here! 

In health and healing, 

Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney 

Integrative Wellness and Life Coach