Mothering While Healing Generational Trauma

Sometimes I still can’t believe I am experiencing motherhood as Belle, Lily and Sofia’s mother. It’s such a gift, and an honor. It is a big responsibility. “Mommy” is currently my favorite title, and I am having a wonderful experience in this role. One thing Louis and I often discuss is how conscious and intentional we want to be in our parenting. We are committed to doing our part in creating whole, healthy, and loving people who can make a positive impact in our community. In doing so, we have talked a lot about breaking generational traumas and not continuing painful pathologies. One thing we agree on is that spanking is not part of our parenting style. We want our girls to know that loving relationships are free from violence, and as parents, we are their first and dominate love-relationships. We are aware that the patterns we establish now are likely to be the ones our children will seek and repeat as adults. This is why we don’t hit.

BUT! This breaking-generational-curses-ish ain’t-easy! Belle and Lily are 2 years old and are appropriately testing boundaries. The twos are TERRIFIC…and they are trying. A few days ago, I took the girls outside to play in the backyard. Louis and I have invested in making our backyard a beautiful, fun, and safe place for the kids to play. We’ve often sat in the back yard watching our girls play and said to each other, “Damn, this grass is so green. Was your grass this green? Who are these little Blackirican girls with this green-green grass.” We laugh because we are proud to have created a beautiful experience for our kids, and we hug our inner children and tell them they can enjoy this green grass too.

Back to the story…So, Belle and Lily are playing in their green grass and I ran inside to grab their tricycles. When I came back outside, I noticed that the grass was not only green, it was pink. There were bright pink petals all over the grass. What is this pink stuff on the grass? I then noticed Belle and Lily yanking the petals off the hydrangeas I had just purchased from Costco and throwing the petals all over the grass. They were running around laughing and scattering the petals all over the yard as if they were pixie-stick-sugar-high-flower-girls running down the aisle that was my back yard. I was horrified! I screamed, “NO! Stop right now!” Lily stopped running for one second. It was just long enough to look at me and smile. She then ran toward the hydrangeas, grabbed another handful, and continued her self-appointed flower girl duties. Belle did the same but ran in the other direction. I yelled “NO!” a few more times trying to add some bass in my voice to indicate I wasn’t playing. I might have even said, “Mommy is not playing right now.” But, it didn’t seem to make a difference because they were frolicking around and the game wasn’t over. I had Sofia on my hip so I couldn’t run fast enough to catch them. I felt totally overwhelmed, helpless, mad, and out-of-control. It was in that moment, my historic memory kicked in. I thought, “I am about to pop their little legs.” I thought, “As soon as one of them rips off another flower I am going to spank her behind.”

I noticed myself have the thought and then I stopped and took a deep breath. I first checked what was going on with me: I am overwhelmed with the kids, and I need help. I yelled for Louis, and I told him to come outside. Then, I considered the girls: They are two years old, and they are having a blast. They don’t understand landscaping, they have no concept of money or that I had just bought these flowers at Costco, and they are laughing at the fact that I am screaming because I probably look and sound funny being that mad. I remembered that flowers grow back, they were 20-something dollars, and I can replace them. In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters. Everyone is healthy and safe. Most importantly, they are two. I am not.

When Louis came out to help me, he was not nearly as triggered by our massacred hydrangeas as I was. He patiently took the girls closer to the flowers and said, “We smell the flowers; we don’t rip them.” And lo and behold, the girls started smelling the flowers! When they put their hands up to the petals to grab a few of the petals he said, “Just pat the petals” and that’s what they did; they gently patted the petals. After a few minutes of this, they were no longer interested in flowers and moved on to playing with the tricycles. By then I noticed my breathing became more regulated and my body relaxed.

That night, I shared with Louis how triggered I was by the hydrangea incident and how bad I wanted to pop those little legs today. He said he understood. He admitted to having similar thoughts during hard moments. We hugged. I appreciated having a non-judgmental space to discuss my feelings during this parenting journey.

Here’s what I know for sure: Breaking generational curses is hard! I believe it is hardest for those who are one generation removed from the trauma itself. We are doing the work of healing ourselves while also trying to create a safe environment for someone else. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself. Remember to forgive yourself…and forgive again.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mamas who are doing the work for themselves and for their children. You are doing incredible work that will benefit generations. You are changing the world. You are beautiful and strong. You are appreciated. You are loved.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Belle, Lily and Sofia’s Mommy