Changing My Role: Thanksgiving 2023

All families have particular dynamics. Within the family dynamic everyone plays a role. A role that I have filled in my family for years has been “helper.” I started to embody this role around the time I was 7 years old and it has been one I’ve carried throughout my life. My maternal grandmother is a very particular woman who does not allow many folks to help her, but for some reason she allowed me to be her assistant as a child which included snapping green beans, cutting sweet potatoes, or washing collard greens. It also meant that I was allowed to help clean the kitchen after dinner. I would run upstairs and change my shirt because she was “putting bleach in the dish water and didn’t want to ruin my good Thanksgiving clothes.”  I felt honored to be allowed to wash all the fancy china after dinner. I was careful not to break anything because I knew how much it mattered to her. I would then dry the dishes and return them to the china cabinet. She put away the food and washed the pots and pans. I wiped off the table and swept and mopped the floor. We were a great team. I would proudly ask, “Is there anything else you need me to do?” and wait patiently to be released from the kitchen. In these moments I felt close to my grandmother because she picked me to help her…sometimes she didn’t even let my mother come in. “Adrianne and I can handle it.” 

Fast forward 30 years, and I am just realizing that I have spent every single family holiday helping in the kitchen. I have never been the person who gets up from the table, says “Thank you for this nice meal” and goes to the den to watch the football game. I have no memories of myself doing this not once…even at someone else's home. My identity as “the helper” was so ingrained that I helped at other people's houses as well. 

Well. Life has changed me. For the last two years, I have had Thanksgiving catered. The Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, I stood in line and picked up my food. Thursday morning I popped those sides in the oven and then ate a glorious meal. No work. No clean-up. A little bit of leftovers and then it was done. 

Having 3 under 3 has changed my role from “helper” to “helped.” I am now allowing, and requesting, that I be supported and assisted. With that….

I am not doing or cooking no-one-got-dang-thang this year. 

This year, I plan to join my family and spend Thanksgiving at my mother's house. The plan has been to distribute the labor. My mom is making the Turkey, and everyone else is supposed to bring sides. My brother, Cameron, called and asked me what I was bringing. I told him absolutely NOTHING. I have three small children, a man and a dog and this is not my season to help. This is my season to be helped. I am coming to eat and socialize and let other people help me with these kids. I am not cooking, cleaning, or doing the things of years past. I am at capacity. There will be a time that I will cook and clean again…this is not that time. Of course, my brother pushed back…he asked, “Are you not going to make anything? Not even your famous banana pudding?” I hesitated. They love my banana pudding and we have it every year. My ego (who loves to feel needed) almost made me say yes. My people-pleasing almost made me give in. But God! She came down from above and smacked me back into reality. She said, “Adrianne, you can’t do ish this year.” And because I am obedient, I told Cameron, “Mother God said, I can’t help this year.” 

So, here is to taking care of yourself. Be clear on what you have to offer and what you don’t. You, too, play a role in your family. Be sure that the role that you are playing works for you. Family roles are very entrenched and often challenging to change. However, you can always change how you relate to your family dynamic. If you need support doing this, I am here. Happy Thanksgiving. I am Thankful to you. 

B. Well!

In Gratitude, 

Dr. Adrianne Pinkney

P.S. Check in with me on Friday and ask if I washed the dishes…