The Friendships we Choose
When I was a mess, I had messy friends. I didn't feel so bad about my dysfunction when I was surrounded by other people who were equally, or more, self-destructive, self-avoidant, dishonest, or dishonorable. We were in this mess together and wasted valuable hours on the phone talking, crying, and even laughing about it. We supported each other in bad decision-making, enabling others, cheating, lying, and being messy. I knew exactly who to call if I wanted external permission to make a dishonorable choice. If I wanted a "Yes" to "Girl, do you think I should let him come over?" I knew which friend to call. I'd call another friend if I wanted a "Hell no! You deserve better" to the same question. I held on to all these folks for their validation, permission, and company until I decided I wanted better for myself.
When I began to grow, I could no longer listen to stories I'd longed to hear. I could hear the lack of self-worth in her decision "Give him one more chance," I could hear his internal rage in his daily gripe about his "stupid boss," and I could see her role in her money problems. I was no longer attracted to it. I couldn't be around that $h@!. I wanted people who would support me in being my best self. I needed more. Luckily for me, as I grew, many of my friends decided to grow, too. I stopped listening to her problems and gave her the number to my counselor.
One friend called, and one didn't. I invited them to attend retreats with me. Sometimes, a friend would tag along. I recommended the books I was reading, and we often read them together. We grew together. As I got better, those who wanted to stay in relationship with me got better too. Yes, I lost people along the way, but we were no longer walking in the same direction, so their departure from my life was only natural. I consciously changed relationships with others by spending less time on the phone with them or only relating to them in ways that served my highest good. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It was necessary. God sent me new folk.
I am thankful that I found like-minded people who have supported me in living my best life. My Sister Circle provided a space for Black women who supported each other in the unique challenges women of color face when seeking wellness. Al-Anon was filled with men and women who grew up in homes affected by alcohol and drug abuse. They let me know that I wasn't crazy, and they helped me recognize and break the spirit of addiction that had plagued my family. The EbonyLotus Writers Group supports me in reaching my goal of writing my first book. The lady in my yoga class who says, "See you next week" keeps me accountable for practicing yoga. Namaste. I am grateful for all the communities of people creating loving lives and supporting me as I do the same.
These lovely ladies from my Sister Circle (pictured on the right) have supported me in doing the work that got me here. I love who I am. I love the life I live. I am grateful. If you are looking for a group of healing folks who are creating the lives they deserve and who will hold you accountable to being your best self, we'd love to have you join us at B. Well: Live Consciously. We provide phenomenal individual and group coaching. We'd be honored to serve you.
In Communion,
Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney,
Integrative Wellness and Life Coach
