Setting Boundaries
For some reason, I am all about boundaries this week. I've noticed that we, as a people, need more boundaries. As I have been listening to my clients, friends, and random people who choose to share their stories with me, I have found that this is a universal problem. As someone who had a severe boundary problem (I used not to have any!) I am very clear about my boundaries and reinforce them using all my Goddess superpowers. I have all types of power statements like "No." "I'm sorry that doesn't work for me." "I am not okay with your (pick one) tone, negative energy, attitude, passive aggression, lack of accountability, etc.." "Please do not do that again." Or, a recent favorite, "If this relationship is to continue, I need you to (pick one) tell the truth, control your temper, follow through, show up on time, stop criticizing me, calm down." I encourage you to watch the YouTube video on Boundaries. It's helpful. It explains boundaries, why we need them, and how to set boundaries in relationships. To avoid being redundant, I will discuss various types of boundaries and why we need them. There are so many, but for the sake of this message, I will include areas that require boundaries that most of my clients struggle to adopt and implement:
Boundaries with work: Work is constant. There is always more to do. We decide where work starts and stops. What are your boundaries with your job? How do you prevent your job from consuming your entire life? A lack of boundaries with work causes burnout and resentment over time. If you love your job, love it enough not to allow it to consume you. Here are some healthy boundaries you can set with work: Don't add your work email to your phone. Leave work at a designated time and commit to leaving at that time no matter what. Have something you never give up for your job. Some good options could be your lunch break, Tuesday night yoga, Wednesday night Bible School, or a weeklong vacation with your family. Protect yourself. Draw a line in the sand and hold it.
Boundaries in Romantic Relationships: You have a right to you even in intimate relationships. Losing yourself in a relationship does not serve you or your partner. If you don't have a you, your partner doesn't have a partner (think about it for a minute). In a romantic relationship, boundaries help define where you and your partner start and stop. It creates natural limits. These limits benefit you when each partner understands them and agrees to abide them. What are your boundaries with your partner? How do you keep "you" in a relationship with someone else? Some healthy boundaries might include: going to a guy’s night or a girl’s night that your spouse does not attend, having a journal or diary that you keep for yourself, preserving 30 minutes of "me time" each day in which you do whatever you need to do for you to be happy, or waiting to have a conversation until you are ready.
Emotional Boundaries: This is a biggie. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally. You do not have to engage in conversations, listen to stories, or be around things that do not serve you. Many of my clients are emotionally exhausted because they are burdened with other people’s stuff. They are just learning that they have emotional rights. You do not have to talk to your mother if you are tired. If it doesn't serve your highest good, you do not have to speak to your friend, adult children, mother, father, or cousin daily. You do not have to listen to other people’s problems. Loving statements like, "I can't take that on today" offer an exit from a conversation that is becoming an emotional dump. You do not have to engage in discussions in which someone’s word choice, tone, or body language makes you uncomfortable. Set a boundary! Let them know what you require to create an emotionally safe space. If they respect the boundary, engage; if they don't, disengage.
Physical Boundaries: Your body belongs to you. You have a right to give permission to be touched and remove that same permission as you see fit. For example, someone in a relationship might have more privileges to your body. If you end the relationship, you can also take those rights away. You do not have to hug people you do not want to hug. It is not rude or mean. It is honest. If your body was violated as a child (through sexual or physical abuse), it is often difficult to believe you have a right to physical boundaries and to assert them. You get to share what you choose to share. You have a right to be touched the way that feels good. Tell people what you expect with their touches, and do not allow anything you do not like.
Financial Boundaries: You have a right to your money. It's yours. You worked for it. You do not have to tell other people how much you make. You do not have to rescue your financially irresponsible family members because you have money. You can be a good friend and not invest in your friend’s business. Just because you are married, you do not have to use your retirement money to invest in your partner’s latest business idea...and you are still a loving spouse. Get some money boundaries. Your bank account will thank you.
If you find yourself struggling to set boundaries, it could result from several core issues. Did you grow up in a family where you learned you did not have rights to your space, safety, privacy, feelings, thoughts, or money? Do you struggle with dealing with feelings of guilt or shame for asserting boundaries? Did you learn that it was good to always put others’ needs and desires before your own? Do you believe that you deserve respect? Do you know how to require it?
We'd love to support you in adopting new loving boundaries toward you and others. You have a right to wellness, and it would be our pleasure to show you the way.
In Happiness,
Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney
Integrative Wellness and Life Coach
