Breaking the Chains: A Journey to Redefining Home
I have many clients who struggle during the holidays because their families trigger them. It can be difficult when you are doing the work to grow and change, and they are not.
Imagine: You are finally dealing with the fact that a family member sexually violated you, and the adults around did little to protect you. Your family continues to invite this person to dinner… in the past, you have sat there and chewed a dry piece of Turkey with the person whose actions caused you so much pain.
Or: You realize that your people-pleasing behavior came from trying to manage your father's tendency to rage. You want to have a close relationship with him as an adult, but you are struggling to trust that you will be safe and respected.
Or: Your mother was very critical of herself and others and tends to criticize you. You struggle to choose your clothes and partner or even cook a meal without worrying about her thoughts.
It is expected to deal with things like this when it is time to go home. When we are home, we have specific roles that we have played for years, and people expect us to fulfill those roles. It can be difficult when we are trying to change and reposition ourselves in the family unit. Perhaps you want to give up the “golden child” role so that you can show up fully: human and flawed. This might allow you to have a closer relationship with your siblings, even if it means letting your family know you are not perfect. It might be time to let go of being the “helper” or “the responsible one” so that you can be helped and supported sometimes. They need to know that you have needs too. Are you the “referee” or the “peacekeeper” caught in the middle of the family drama because you are trying to keep a lid on the chaos? This could be the year you allow them to manage themselves and their behavior. Were you the “black sheep” the child criticized for being different? Did you let them make you think you were crazy? Or deficit? Perhaps you have been the “jester” and tried to make the otherwise heavy family holiday lighter through jokes and entertainment.
This could be the year that everything is different.
This could be the year that you stop apologizing for yourself or your choices. This can be the year you break the silence that allows predators to exist in the family. This could be the year that you worry less about what your mother thinks and focus on yourself. This could be the year that you leave the table when they start arguing instead of getting involved. This year is the year that you leave “home” behind and create something new. Here’s to breaking patterns, silences, and pathologies. Here’s to switching some ish up! If you need support as you break generational strongholds, I am here to support you.
Breaking chains,
Dr. Adrianne Pinkney
Integrative Wellness Life Coach
