Broken Things
My car charger works...except when it doesn’t. I have an iphone charger in my car that is a bit temperamental. When you plug it in, it works...sometimes...and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, I plug in my phone and it charges immediately. Other times, I have to plug it in five times, turn it backward and forward, wiggle the cord, replug the USB cable, pray, and then it works. The charger has been this way for at least six months.
A few weeks ago, my sweetheart, Louis, was driving my car on a long road trip and he said, “Babe, what’s wrong with your car charger? It doesn’t work.” I insisted that it did, “You just have to know how to use it.” I told him how to rig the charger, and that eventually it would work. He tried a few of my suggestions and responded, “This thing doesn’t work. I am going to have to pull over and buy a charger cause my phone is about to die.” I responded, “Why?! The charger works! Did you plug and unplug the USB? Did you wiggle the cord? Did you pray?” He told me this was ridiculous and he had to call me back because his phone was about to die and he needed his GPS. We ended the call. I called an hour later to see how his trip was going and to see if he stopped for a new charger. He said, “I don’t know why but right when I was about to stop, it started working.” I smiled. I was right.
A couple of days later, Louis and his sons were on the way home from the basketball court. I Facetimed to see how their day was going. Everyone was smiling. Louis shared, “Enrique needed to charge his phone and I had to teach him how to use your car charger. He’s got it now.” Something in me clicked. I taught Louis how to use this broken charger, and Louis was teaching Enrique how to use this broken charger...and this is exactly how families teach children how to accept and navigate life with brokenness. I was horrified! Why had I allowed this for myself? Why was I subjecting my family to this nonsense? Why was I acting like I didn't have $8 to get another charger? It was terrible!
I know this is a bit of a stretch...but really, it’s not. This is exactly how we learn how to live in dysfunction. This is how we learn how to accept less than what we deserve. This is how we learn how to suffer. So much of our adult suffering comes from behaviors we learned as children. We learn how to accommodate suffering through direct and indirect messages from adults who are unwilling or unable to make the necessary changes to live a healthy and functional life. They teach us how to accommodate unfilling and unloving relationships. They teach us how to “survive” on just enough money. They teach us to attend family events with abusive family members. They teach us how to put ourselves last. They teach us how to lie to ourselves.
Our mothers teach us how to accept partners who are unfaithful when they stay with men who dishonor their commitments. Our fathers teach us to accept disrespect from women when they allow women to talk to them “any kind of way”. Our families teach us how to put other people's needs before our own, and act as if it’s okay that our needs are not met. Just because they were willing to accept less than, does not mean that you have to.
I want to teach our children that when something is broken, they don’t have to keep trying to force it to work. I want them to know that broken things can be replaced. I want them to have the mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical resources to know exactly how to release what doesn’t work so they don’t have to struggle, force, and manipulate to get their needs met. When things work, they flow naturally. I want them to know that kind of peace.
If you want to break generational strongholds from accepting brokenness, I’d love to support you in your healing. Please reach out at any time. I hope you choose to call because my phone is fully charged and working… because I have a new charger. It works every time I plug it in. I did it for myself, and for my family. You should get rid of your broken things too.
In wholeness,
Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney
Integrative Wellness & Life Coach
