Breaking Family Strongholds
I have never really been into the royal family. I was 11 years old when Princess Diana died, and it was my first real introduction to the concept of a Princess who was not in a Disney film. My mother was devastated; I think she even cried. I sat on the couch with her for hours and watched news story after story, trying to understand what had happened. At the time of Princess Diana’s death, I learned that what happened with British Royals mattered to so many people.
I tuned out of royal affairs for years until Meghan Markle married Harry. Everything about Meghan intrigued me: she was an everyday girl, she broke up with Harry, and he worked to get her back, and her mama looked like mine. Was this even real? Twenty years later, I sat glued to the T.V. like my mother, and I had been years before. I was interested. I watched the wedding while texting my friends. I was moved by Rev. Michael Curry’s sermon on love. I even think I shouted. I watched the new stories after the wedding: the legit news channels and the entertainment news. It was such a fun time…
…all the emotional energy I put into watching this family is probably behind my disappointment with the recent response to Prince Harry’s decision to step back from front-line royal service and spend part of his time in Canada. Like everyone else, I have no idea why he and his wife made this choice, but I am clear that Harry and Meghan are making decisions in the best interest of their family and their well-being. Harry said it best, “I will not be bullied into playing a game that killed my mum.”
Harry is doing exactly what must be done to break family patterns, strongholds, and curses. Our families of origin can be sources of love, support, comfort, and acceptance. Our families can also be sources of abuse, criticism, stress, and dysfunction. For this reason, we all have to control what we choose to take from our families consciously. Harry inherited his crown, but what he decides to do with it is his choice. What did you inherit from your family? What do you choose to embrace? What do you decide to renounce?
Predisposition
You are predisposed to having anything that runs in your family. This includes all things mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional. It doesn’t matter if it’s high blood pressure, cancer, athleticism, sexual abuse, alcoholism, depression, long marriages, wealth, the ability to sing well, or mental illness. The idea that “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” explains this concept very well. However, just because something runs in your family doesn’t automatically mean that you will have it, but it does suggest that you are highly likely to get it in the right conditions. Thus, if high blood pressure runs in your family and you continue to eat the same foods previous generations ate, have the same stressors that Grandpa had, and exist within the same behavioral patterns, you are likely to have high blood pressure, too. It also means that choosing different foods, reducing stress, and changing behaviors can reduce or even eliminate the chance that the family history of high blood pressure continues through you. The conditions in which you live your life play a huge role in continuing family patterns.
Many of us find it challenging to recognize the toxic behaviors that run in our families because we often experience them as usual. If our parents argued daily, it might not seem odd that you and your partner always bicker. If everyone in your family is mad, you might not notice your anger and how it negatively affects your body, mind, and spirit. If “no one ever talks about it” in your family, you will naturally sit at the table with the cousin who molested you and ask them to pass you the peas. Doing this would be more regular and accepted in your family than speaking up. In the case of Harry and Meghan, if everyone in the family sacrificed their dreams, joy, and happiness for the sake of the royal family, everyone would expect them to follow suit. Making a different choice causes a break in the pattern that has existed for generations. Changing family patterns is often met with strong resistance for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because it shines the light on the fact that everyone else could have done something different. When you change, others realize that choice and change are available to them, too.
If all the men in your family sacrifice their personal dreams, goals, and health to be a provider, they will be threatened when you say, “I can’t do that kind of spirit-crushing work. I want to spend my life doing work I enjoy.” If everyone in your family is obese, inactive, and eats unhealthy food, they will likely tease your efforts to change your eating habits and workout. If all the women in your family sacrifice their entire lives to care for the children and everyone else, they may call you “selfish” when you are clear that you will care for yourself first.
But! Are you willing to let them experience discomfort while you commit to living your best life? Are you willing to change even if it alters your status or position in the family? Are you willing to take care of yourself, though it upsets others? Can you change even if the public shames or blames you? Will you change, even if change is hard?
What runs in your family? Why it’s important to know your family DNA
Recently, I sat with a career coaching client who shared, “Everybody in my family is pressured to go to the same college. When I was young, they made me feel like State was the only school that mattered. I didn’t explore my college options, and I greatly regret that. Over Thanksgiving, I saw them putting that same pressure on my little cousin, and I spoke up. I told my cousin, ‘It’s your life; you can go to school wherever you want.’ I wish someone had told me that.” She cried as she realized she hadn’t chosen the college, major, or career her heart desired because she felt guilty for wanting to be different from her family.
Just think about it: Growing up looking at others operate in particular ways makes it highly likely that future generations will do the same. This is why so many people who are teachers come from families full of teachers. They grew up watching their aunt's grade papers; they helped set up the classroom at the beginning of the school year, and their dinner conversations were about what happened at school. They knew how to be teachers even before they walked into the classroom. This is the same for those who come from military families, families of doctors, or families of criminals. If this can be true in the occupational sense, what about spiritually, mentally, and emotionally?
One of the reasons patterns continue in families is because often the pattern is not discussed; thus, the spirit is allowed to continue throughout generations because everyone runs on autopilot. You must know what runs in your family so you and your children can get ahead of it. When I was in middle school, my mother sat down and had an earnest conversation with my brother and me about the fact that alcoholism and general addiction run in our family. She said that we need to make a conscious choice if we want to drink and to pay attention to how much we choose to drink. Because of this conversation, I have always been a light drinker.
Many people have the spirit of sexual perversion, gambling, infidelity, self-sacrifice, poverty, or abuse in their families. These spirits continue throughout generations because no one tells the children to be aware, often because they want to protect themselves or their family. If Granddaddy was Chester the Molester, everybody needs to talk about it! That is the only way to tell the spirit of molestation “NO!”.....otherwise, it will slip into the family through unconscious behaviors that allow granddaddy to prey on his own family. It is essential to talk to your children about their relationships with sex, pornography, and other behaviors that might allow the curse of sexual perversion to reappear. I am not saying it will, but given the right conditions, it is more likely.
If Grandma was a Negative Nancy, admit it! Who cares if she baked the best cookies? If she criticizes everyone and everything, the good enough spirit of “not ” will continue through your unconscious thoughts and will result in unconscious behaviors that allow the spirit of negativity to continue. When you feel unsatisfied with yourself or others, tell the Spirit of Grandma Nancy, “NO!” Speak it from your mouth. Declare that you will experience satisfaction, gratitude, and JOY and that the negative spirits end with you.
Why breaking family Strongholds is hard…but necessary.
Breaking away from toxic family behaviors is hard work. Allowing or participating in toxic family behaviors is so natural because we have years of socialization operating in the family pattern. The question is, “Do you want out?” Here’s the thing: Harry realized that something in the royal family contributed to his mother’s death. Harry sees it, names it, and tells it and everybody else, “NO!” Harry is willing! He is willing to let go of the security guards, popularity, and maybe even his royal title to gain control over his life, marital bliss, and peace of mind. He is willing to give it all up, even if he has to pay for it. What are you willing to give up? What will you gain?
If you need support in breaking family strongholds, allow B. Well, to support you in breaking the chain. You deserve to be whole, healthy, and happy, no matter who or where you come from.
Love your Sister,
Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney
Integrative Wellness and Life Coach
