A few words on Healthy Love...
We often hear folks say, “Marriage is hard work” or “Relationships are difficult.” However, I have come to disagree with this perspective. Relationships and marriage don't necessarily have to be complicated or hard. I believe that every relationship presents us with a unique opportunity to work on ourselves…and working on ourselves can sometimes be challenging.
In a moment of transparency, this last year has been a difficult one for Louis and me. Parenting small children has been a challenge. We have three under three, and we both work full-time. We have both been stretched. We are tired. There was a particular night when I felt unsupported by Louis and was so angry I didn’t know what to do…I was so mad I couldn’t see. I left the house and checked into a hotel. I cried for two whole days. I cried about everything…I still felt guilty that the twins had to experience the NICU…my guilt greatly influenced my parenting. I tried to be everything for them at every moment, and it was killing me…I cried because I realized I was trying to control everything. I had turned Louis into my “helper” because I led and controlled everything regarding the girls. I cried because we had not had consistent and adequate help, and we were worn down. I just cried about everything. As much as it would have been easy to stay on the phone with my girlfriends for hours and gripe about how terrible Louis was…that was not helpful…or true. My relationship with Louis and with my daughters was teaching me more about myself.
The truth was, my relationship with guilt and control had more to do with my experiences than anything my daughters needed or my partner did.
I realized that I was my biggest problem and I needed to change. Here are some recent changes I have made: I have started to make more peace with the homies crying. They can cry for a few seconds, and they won’t die. (I can’t let them cry for minutes yet…but we shall see). I have learned to respect my partner as a fully competent adult who can parent as well as I can. I no longer plan meals, lay out clothes, or leave an agenda when the girls are with their father. When I have something to do, I just leave them with their daddy! He can feed them whatever and dress them, however, and they won’t die. And neither will I.
Relationships can be challenging at times. There may be disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflicts that arise. However, instead of seeing these challenges as signs that the relationship is failing or that we are incompatible with our partner, we can view them as opportunities for growth and learning.
When we approach our relationships with this mindset, we can begin to see how we can grow and develop as individuals. For example, we may realize that we have specific patterns of behavior that are causing tension in the relationship. Or, we may uncover certain insecurities or fears holding us back from fully engaging with our partner.
Focusing on our growth and development can create more fulfilling and meaningful relationships with others. We can learn to communicate more effectively, to be more compassionate and understanding, and to be more open to different perspectives and ways of thinking.
Of course, this kind of self-work is not always easy. It can be challenging to confront our flaws and shortcomings, and it can take time and effort to change our behavior and mindset. I believe that it is this self-work that is the ultimate challenge in any relationship.
Ultimately, when we approach relationships focusing on self-improvement, we can create deeper, more meaningful connections with others. We can learn to appreciate our partners for who they are and become better versions of ourselves. So, rather than seeing relationships as a source of struggle, we can view them as an opportunity for personal growth and transformation. On this Valentine’s Day, thank your partner for helping you grow and being present while you grow up. Cause honey, this work ain’t easy! Big hugs.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Love,
Dr. Adrianne R. Pinkney
