Embracing Grace In A Perfectionist’s World: Lessons From My Daughter
As both a mother and an integrative wellness coach, I often witness the beauty and challenges of perfectionism. One of my daughters, for example, is a natural-born perfectionist. Reflecting on the "nature vs. nurture" debate, I’m convinced this trait is innate in her—it’s just who she is at her core.
From a young age, she’s been incredibly meticulous. She loves to make sure everything is just so. She puts things back exactly where they belong, washes her hands without being told, and insists on everyone taking their shoes off the moment they enter the house. At school, she gets stressed when the other children don’t walk in line or follow the rules. Her sense of structure and order is impressive, but it can also weigh heavily on her when life doesn’t go as planned. She often melts down when she can’t get others to listen, or something isn’t going exactly as imagined. We are working on this daily.
I often find myself gently reminding her to give herself—and others—a little grace. In our imperfect world, perfection is rarely attainable. Watching her, I can’t help but think of many of my clients who have an idea of how their lives "should" be or how things "should" go. They strive for flawlessness, and when life inevitably throws a curveball, they struggle with feelings of inadequacy or failure. There is so much self-deprecation: “I shouldn’t have married him” “It’s my fault” “I can’t get anything right” “I guess I’m not a good mom” or “I should quit before I get fired.”
But here's the truth that I’ve learned, both from motherhood and my work as a coach: grace is abundant. We live in a society that encourages us to hustle, to push, to achieve at all costs, but what we often need most is to be kinder to ourselves. We need to realize that growth doesn’t come from perfection; it comes from the journey of learning, adapting, and showing ourselves compassion along the way.
For my fellow perfectionists and anyone who feels weighed down by the “shoulds” in life, here are a few tips to help you embrace more grace:
Let go of All-Or-Nothing thinking: Perfectionists often see the world in black and white—if something isn’t flawless, it’s a failure. But life exists in the gray. Start by acknowledging the small wins, even if the outcome isn’t exactly what you envisioned. Progress, not perfection, is what leads to growth.
Challenge Unrealistic Expectations: Sometimes the expectations we set for ourselves are simply too high. Ask yourself if the standards you’re holding onto are realistic and kind. Would you expect the same from a loved one? If not, it’s time to reevaluate and set more compassionate goals for yourself.
Practice Self-Compassion Daily: When you make a mistake or fall short of your own expectations, notice how you speak to yourself. Would you talk to a friend that way? Probably not! Replace harsh self-criticism with words of kindness and encouragement. One of the most powerful shifts you can make is learning to be your own ally, rather than your toughest critic.
Focus On The Process, Not The Outcome: We often get caught up in the end goal, but it’s the process—the effort, the learning, the resilience—that truly matters. Shift your focus to the steps you’re taking, the lessons you’re learning, and the person you’re becoming in the process.
Create Space For Mistakes: Mistakes are part of life; they are the stepping stones to success. Rather than fearing failure, reframe it as an opportunity to grow. My daughter is still learning that it’s okay if her plans don’t go perfectly or if someone else doesn’t follow the rules. In those moments, I remind her, and my clients, that life’s unpredictability is part of the magic.
Celebrate Imperfections: Your imperfections are what make you unique. They tell the story of your journey, your resilience, and your strength. When you can embrace and celebrate your imperfections, you open yourself up to a fuller, richer life.
Remember, grace isn’t just something we give to others—it’s something we must extend to ourselves. My daughter’s journey as a perfectionist has taught me so much about the importance of compassion, patience, and understanding. It’s a lesson I carry with me, both as a mother and as a coach, and one I encourage you to hold close in your own life.
There is no need to be perfect to live a beautiful life. The beauty lies in the progress, the learning, and most of all, the grace we show ourselves along the way.
You’re doing great.
Love,
Adrianne
